Darkness before Light

I am lost.

I let the words sit in my brain before I yanked them back. I know I am not lost—I am found. But at that moment that was my first thought. Sitting there with a dream shattered in my hands, I felt utterly lost. Now what?

I am at a loss. I do not know where to go next.

I sat and wept. I had not wept in some time, so the tears came from a deep place.

The Lord gives and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the Name of the Lord.

Have you ever been there? Has life ever knocked you suddenly and you found yourself slumped in your seat, or on the edge of your bed with your head on your knees, or down on the floor in utter heartbrokenness? As I have continued to walk through my end-of-the-year reflections on what was removed from me this year, it takes me back to one of those moments. I would love to say that I am completely past it and in a different place emotionally, but the truth is that grief is still with me. I am okay with that; I know processing grief of any type takes time. I also know that in it, God is my peace and my comfort. He’s with me in it.

Many of us have grieved significant losses this year. COVID losses, job losses, strained marriages and friendships that finally snapped, setbacks in personal growth, broken commitments, and more all have sent us to some low places. And now we are in this precious Advent season pointing us to the coming of the light. There’s Christmas music and carols and holiday cheer encouraging us to push all the dark spots away with a big red and green snow-plower. Sometimes we can move that way, but in the times we need more of a transition, we shouldn’t forget the story of Christ is one of a Savior stepping into the darkness. Witness to Wonder (Day 2) casts our attention back to the beginning of the redemption story with the fall of humankind in the Garden. When Eve took the fruit and Adam stood silently by, God saw into their darkest moment. Still, He pursued them in their guilt and shame and began to tell the story of salvation. There would be pain and separation as well as hope and deliverance. They would have to go through to get to.

I am grateful that the God of the universe is able to see in the dark. He knows where we are at all times. He knows when to offer light and how much. We are not lost. We are seen; we are found. We may not know what the next steps are, but His faithful promises are sure. He will be with us. He will not forsake us. From dark to light.

4 thoughts on “Darkness before Light

  1. Jackie J.

    Beautiful reflection, Monika! The past two years have felt disorienting for me, and I often complained of feeling “lost.” God has faithfully reminded me that he’s with me. Thank you for sharing these lovely words.❤

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